Thursday, July 16, 2009

How 2 Look Smart When U Dont Know Jack

You read the title correctly. I'm gonna school ya on how to look smart when in reality you barely passed third grade. People always say, "Jam, you're so smart!" or "Jam, you're a genius, why didn't I think of that?" With a few simple facts and tools, you can be "smart" too! Now get your notebook come to class!

FACTS
There are a few simple facts about the world you need to know. Figure out how to whip these puppies out in front of your friends and they will mistake you for Alex Trebek!

1) World War 2 was from 1939-1945. All you really need to know is it was over in 1945. Nobody ever knows this. Trust me.

2) "The American Gothic" is that creepy painting with the woman and man holding the pitchfork. If you want to look even smarter, it was painted by Grant Wood on Beaver board. Easy to remember, Wood, Beaver, get it?3)The seven continents. All you need to know is Antarctica. No one EVER remembers or names it. Let them say the first 6 and while everyone is stumped yell out "Antarctica!" You're a hero!

4) Albert Einstein did LSD. Semi-smart people say he was on LSD when he invented whatever the hell he invented, HOWEVER, it's said that when he DIED they found traces of LSD and other hippy drugs in him. This doesn't mean he was always on drugs. But most likely. Who invents stuff sober?

5) There is no such thing as "Real" Gucci seats for your car. Gucci doesn't make the fabric. All those lame rappers and rich white people driving around thinking they are cool with their Gucci seats are fakes. Just like their car interior. Sowry.

6) Global Warming is cause by cow farts. So take a big, deep breath of fresh air...or cow shit. Livestock contributes to 18 percent of greenhouse gas that causes global warming. That's more than any car, bus, refinery, Cuban cigar or asshole taking a shit in the street accounts for. Another reason why douche bags should stop raising animals and torturing them.


TOOLS

Not as in 'douche bag' tool! Tools as in resources. Make sure you have these lying around somewhere at all times.

USB cords. Like 7 of them in random places in all different sizes. It will make you look really tech savvy and that you own lots of smart gadgets.

A book in another language. Preferably a large book. Put a lame book marker in the middle of the book. Have Google translate a few of the sentences from the back in case someone asks what its about. Then say right after that you're reading a Dr. Phil book or something so they don't have time to ask questions.

Smart Water. Duh. Carry it everywhere. Buy one bottle at Target for a dollar and keep refilling it. With vodka. Just kidding.

Postage stamps. Buy a book and tear out a sheet and carry it with you or leave it lying around. Use or throw a little less than half away so you look really busy and responsible. Smart people own stamps.

A cell phone with the Google app on it. Self explanatory.


USELESS FACTS incase you need some


If you spit at a camel, it will spit back
Babe Ruth kept lettuce leaves in his hat during games
George Washington grew marijuana
Right handed people live longer
Beetles taste like apples
I have no sidewalk in the front of my house (see pic below)
Sweden has a ski thru Mc Donald's

Facts you SHOULD now...if you don't, we have a problem

Joe Biden is the US vice pres
Micheal Vicks is a douche bag

Giraffes have black tongues

Jam is the coolest person on earth
Iphones are for girls

And now you're a smart jerk! Go out there and use what you just learned. Class dismissed!


2 comments:

  1. it gets better every day!! DAMNJAM!!

    ReplyDelete