Thursday, July 30, 2009

Reasons you shouldn't eat animals:

A) Would you eat your dog? Cat? Sick
B) would you eat a human? Yum human meat rocks! Sick.
C) the USDA doesn't put those little stickers on the meat you buy at the grocery store that say 'USDA approved.' Farmers do. Do you think they care what you eat? No. They want money. There have been many reports of farmers throwing in other animals that DON'T belong. Dog, anyone?
D) go on youtube and watch how they kill chickens, cows, whatever. Maybe you won't care that they torture the fuck out of them, but you might care that they eat their own shit or are diseased.
E) race horses that are old are slaughtered then packaged with ground beef. Google it.
F) if you can't kill it, skin it and slice it open yourself, you probably shouldn't eat it.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Dear life,

Fuck you.

Love, jam

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dear gut,

I would really appreciate if you would go away as soon as possible. In doing so, please take back fat, arm jiggles, thunder thighs and dimple butt with you.
Love, jam

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Need A Job. Damit.

I could just kick my own ass for not thinking of this first! Some smarty pants got laid off and couldn't find a job (go figure) so he made these wristbands for the rest of the unemployed world to buy and wear. With the sales of the wristbands he can now stay home a kick it! 
In case you want to check it out of buy one, here's the link :
Happy Tuesday. Life is a bitch, then you die of some stupid shit you had no idea would happen to you. So drink your vodka, smoke that cigg and screw that hooker cause in the end it don't matter. Woooo!

Monday, July 20, 2009

And now a word from Jam....

In case you don't already know, I'm going to teach you how to cook a hot dog, hill billy style. A picture says a thousand words...

Screw a barbecue. F*ck the microwave. Shit on steaming it. I'm talkin' bout good ol' lightin' that weener on fire. Straight from a lighter, ignitor, hell even a match. Put some cheese on that bitch and you got yourself breakfast. Now eat your dog and go find yer tooth.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Serious Sunday

And now for the serious topics....

I happen to love animals very much. Any f*ck face scum slut bucket that kills or hurts animals can eat a bag of d*cks and rot in hell. Check out this shirt that I saw Brooke Hogan wearing in TV. It made me want to hold her.


That pretty much says it all. Be kind to animals or I will personally come after you. Trust me, I know wear you sleep. Have a nice Sunday!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Mariah Carey Isnt HALF the Man I Am!

In Mariah Carey's "Obsessed" video, she decided to dress up like douche face Eminen. While it is very funny, I believe I can be a better man than her. See for yourself...

Mariah before the man juice

Meet Manriah !

Jam, as herself

Move over Ru Paul..

But wait, there's more! I can be the man you need me to be...

Who do you think makes a better man? Manriah or ManJam? You be the judge, may the best man win!

*You DON'T have to me a member of my blog to leave a comment, so feel free to tell me how it is!

Friday, July 17, 2009

SALUTE F*CK Your Shorts!

That's right. F*CK your silly little shorts.

If you ever stay at my house wearing fuzzy red pj's with pink reindeer's all over them IN THE SUMMER, this is what will happen to them!

Reindeer Cook Out! Wooo!

Simon likes to hump reindeer's!

BURN that shit!

Kitty litter that bitch!

Eat that mutha f*cker!

Poke that shit with flowers.

Run over that jack ass

Feed them to Ninja Turtles!

If you ever stay at my house, I suggest you keep your dam fuzzy Christmas toddler PJ's at home. Ta ta!

This blog is dedicated to Liz Simmons as a joke. :)


Cheers to Alaina! 22 today, partying in SIN CITY! Be a good girl (not really) and have an AMAZING birthday!

what an innocent face....

Thursday, July 16, 2009

How 2 Look Smart When U Dont Know Jack

You read the title correctly. I'm gonna school ya on how to look smart when in reality you barely passed third grade. People always say, "Jam, you're so smart!" or "Jam, you're a genius, why didn't I think of that?" With a few simple facts and tools, you can be "smart" too! Now get your notebook come to class!

There are a few simple facts about the world you need to know. Figure out how to whip these puppies out in front of your friends and they will mistake you for Alex Trebek!

1) World War 2 was from 1939-1945. All you really need to know is it was over in 1945. Nobody ever knows this. Trust me.

2) "The American Gothic" is that creepy painting with the woman and man holding the pitchfork. If you want to look even smarter, it was painted by Grant Wood on Beaver board. Easy to remember, Wood, Beaver, get it?3)The seven continents. All you need to know is Antarctica. No one EVER remembers or names it. Let them say the first 6 and while everyone is stumped yell out "Antarctica!" You're a hero!

4) Albert Einstein did LSD. Semi-smart people say he was on LSD when he invented whatever the hell he invented, HOWEVER, it's said that when he DIED they found traces of LSD and other hippy drugs in him. This doesn't mean he was always on drugs. But most likely. Who invents stuff sober?

5) There is no such thing as "Real" Gucci seats for your car. Gucci doesn't make the fabric. All those lame rappers and rich white people driving around thinking they are cool with their Gucci seats are fakes. Just like their car interior. Sowry.

6) Global Warming is cause by cow farts. So take a big, deep breath of fresh air...or cow shit. Livestock contributes to 18 percent of greenhouse gas that causes global warming. That's more than any car, bus, refinery, Cuban cigar or asshole taking a shit in the street accounts for. Another reason why douche bags should stop raising animals and torturing them.


Not as in 'douche bag' tool! Tools as in resources. Make sure you have these lying around somewhere at all times.

USB cords. Like 7 of them in random places in all different sizes. It will make you look really tech savvy and that you own lots of smart gadgets.

A book in another language. Preferably a large book. Put a lame book marker in the middle of the book. Have Google translate a few of the sentences from the back in case someone asks what its about. Then say right after that you're reading a Dr. Phil book or something so they don't have time to ask questions.

Smart Water. Duh. Carry it everywhere. Buy one bottle at Target for a dollar and keep refilling it. With vodka. Just kidding.

Postage stamps. Buy a book and tear out a sheet and carry it with you or leave it lying around. Use or throw a little less than half away so you look really busy and responsible. Smart people own stamps.

A cell phone with the Google app on it. Self explanatory.

USELESS FACTS incase you need some

If you spit at a camel, it will spit back
Babe Ruth kept lettuce leaves in his hat during games
George Washington grew marijuana
Right handed people live longer
Beetles taste like apples
I have no sidewalk in the front of my house (see pic below)
Sweden has a ski thru Mc Donald's

Facts you SHOULD now...if you don't, we have a problem

Joe Biden is the US vice pres
Micheal Vicks is a douche bag

Giraffes have black tongues

Jam is the coolest person on earth
Iphones are for girls

And now you're a smart jerk! Go out there and use what you just learned. Class dismissed!

Thirsty Thursday!

Oh Thursday... Its happy hour somewhere! Today's featured drink is one of my all the favorites...
The mighty Mai Tai!

Oh yes, It may be early, but doesn't that look like just what you need to get your day started? Yum yum! Drink up buttercup!

FACTS about the mighty Mai Tai

The Mai Tai was created in 1944 in Oakland, California! Helllll yeah!
"Maitai" means 'good' in Tahitian. Heck yes its GOOD!
The Mai Tai was brought to Hawaii in 1953


  • 1 oz. Dark Rum
  • 1 oz Light Rum
  • 1 oz Orange Curacao
  • 2 oz Orange Juice
  • 1/2 oz Lime Juice
  • Dash Orgeat
  • Dash Simple syrup (bar syrup)
Combine all ingredients and pour in my mouth!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Taco Bell, O Taco Bell, how I love thee
When I look at your menu, I get down on one knee.
From the value menu, to the ol' Number 1,
either way, I'm going to have the runs.
Anytime of the day, I don't really care,
I could eat you up wearing just underwear.
Burrito's with beans and cheese galore,
you might even call me a Taco Bell whore.
Bell Grande's make me sweat and Crunch Wraps make me tingle
Id make sweet love to a Chulupa if I was single
Mexican Pizza, Enchirito's, and even Gordita's,
You are the one Taco Bell, I love you por vida.

What JAM Wakes Up To Everyday......

...besides a sexy beast...I posted this on my ceiling right above my bed about six months ago. It doesn't work. I just stare at it. Don't try this at home.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


They say it takes 30 something days to break a bad habit..... with these secret obsessions of mine, its gonna take a tranquilizer and a straight jacket for me to stop....

10. Plucking my chin hairs. I know I'm not supposed to cause they will just grow back thicker, but Its so fun! I own a different pair of tweezers for every chin hair type. I swear I'm not a man!

9. Douche Bag Vh-1 shows. The ones where you can only be on them if you wear Ed Hardy. I love Daisy, Charm School, Rock of Love, Tool Academy, and I cant wait for Megan Wants to Be a Millionaire!!!! There! I said it!

8. Texting. Texting while driving. Texting while shitting. Texting while on a date. Texting while doing the dishes. Texting while praying. Texting while cleaning cat shit. Texting while getting arrested. Texting while typing this blog. Texting while getting dumped. Texting while swimming
. Texting while texting.

7. Doritos. I want to own the original Doritos bags, remember the packaging back in the day? I love Doritos. Doritos at 7am. Doritos with chocolate. Doritos in a blender on ice. I threw up Doritos yesterday along with my orange soda and ate more after. I heart Doritos.
6. My animals. Its normal to be obsessed with animals but I'm over the top when it comes to my pets. This morning I realized that I end up sleeping sideways every night because I have a huge Husky next to me, a cat on the other side and another cat at my feet. I give them bottled water because I think tap isn't good enough. I kiss each of them three times if I leave for even 10 minutes. My cat has a Facebook.

5. Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. I'm lactose intolerant. Nuff said.

4. Target. Ill go to Target and purposely forget something just so I have to go back later. I joined the Target Baby Club just to get a 10 percent off coupon. I have a map of California with thumbtacks over all the Targets I have been to. Okay not really, but I want to. Target equals happiness.

3. Popping other peoples back pimples. Don't judge if you have never tried it. Its therapeutic. Pimples, white heads, black heads, anything. 10 points if I squeeze one and a hair comes out.

2. Google. I have Googled everything from "how to get ciggerate burns out of your bath tub" to "is Washington DC in the USA." And it always comes through! Google doesnt judge you, its always there for you, and wont tell anyone you were wondering how to get that boil off your ass. Gooooooo Google!

1. My boyfriend. Im obsessed. I have been with him 2 years and I cry when we cant see each other. I still take 4 hours to get ready for our dates and I still get nervous! I counted the moles on this body (he has 109) . Boo whoo.

My secrets are out! Whats your secret obsession? Don't be shy!

Pet of the Week!


This weeks favorite pet is the biggest cat I have ever seen! He is the size of a toddler. His name is Leo, he resides in beautiful Brentwood, California. His favorite activities are eating, obviously and showing off his plump belly. His proud parents are Luis and April , but I might be kidnapping him when they aren't looking....

Monday, July 13, 2009

You Know Your'e A Douche Bag When....

Check your douchebag status! You're a douche if...

You wear your collar up
You check out anything that has a vag
You have tribal tattoos around your veiny muscles
You upload your pictures at clubs on photobucket
You have both your nips and belly button pierced
You own more hair products than your girlfriend
You eat rice cakes
You think running over stuff in your lame F-150 is cool
You watch "Greys Anatomy"
You use tanning beds
You have Playboy shot glasses
You practice your camera poses in the mirror
You own a polo shirt in pink
Your name is George Bush or Kanye West

Your phone is a Sidekick
You auditioned to be on "Fear Factor"
Your mom does your laundry
You put gel in your hair before you go to the beach
You know when Abercrombie gets their new shipments in
You own the "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs
You wear chokers. Or puka shells
You take shirtless pictures of yourself with your cell
You have a sticker across your windshield
You own a head band

Does this sounds like you or someone you know? There is help. Call the Douche Bag Hotline today to find out more!

Monday is the new Funday!

Monday is not just for douche bags anymore! I decided to declare Monday as part of the weekend. Everyone hates Mondays, including Garfield, so lets turn it into a fun day! Why not? Its right after Sunday which is always fun. Happy Hour on Mondays is fun. Monday is just two days before hump day, which is always fun. Its Monday!! Lets party!!!

List O Lame!

Jam's List of things that are LAME

The movie "Bruno"
My 30 something year old brother eating all of my guacamole
My 30 something year old brother asking me for money
Puking up orange soda and Doritos in a garbage can with holes in it
Flat, frizzy hair
Guys that think "Heeey sexy" will really get you to stop
Locking yourself out of the bathroom
Tanning in the backyard and realizing your laying in dog shit
Ants in your bed because your dog buried pizza under the pillows
Ants in your bed that are crawling way too close to your crotch
Vasco Road
The garbage man throwing away your garbage can on accident
Jukeboxes that eat your last 2 dollars
Pregnant skinny girls
When all these things happen in one weekend