Monday, June 27, 2011

Things You Should NEVER Say to a Pregnant Woman


"You aren't fat, you're pregnant!"
No asshole, I'm FAT. My sausage arms aren't pregnant. My thighs aren't pregnant. My ass isn't pregnant. My STOMACH is pregnant. Not my entire body. Take away my basketball stomach, and I'm one hefty bitch. My fetus baby doesn't weigh 189 pounds. I do. Gimmie a cookie.

"You will lose the weight soooo fast."
Didn't you just get through telling me I wasn't fat? No all of a sudden you agree that I need to lose weight. And you also think I will lose it sooo fast. If losing weight were so easy and could be done sooo fast, there would be no fat bitches saying "I had 3 kids! It's hard to lose weight now!" You wanna see something fast? Lemmie show you how fast I can devour a whole box of donuts.

"You look so cute pregnant!"
Quit lyin.

"Are you excited to give birth?"
Well duhhhh! I cant wait for my insides to feel like a wet towel being rinsed out and for my pussy hole to be stretched to the max then ripped open by a human skull! I am most looking forward to bleeding like a murder victim and blood clots the size of naval oranges in my underwear. Oh, and how could I forget the BEST part- shitting and farting uncontrollably in front of nurses and doctors and my husband , all while dripping sweat and my legs pulled so far apart it makes my cellulite look smooth! Joy! I can't fucking wait.

"Are you going to breastfeed?"
How come every time someone asks me this, after I answer they take a quick glance at my chest? You want a sip?
If I say "yes," you are going to picture me with my boob out feeding my fetus. If I say "no," you are going to lecture me and interrogate me. Leave me and my tits alone!

"Can you feel him kick?"
I'm 37 weeks pregnant. What the fuck do you think.

"You're having a boy?? Aw, I wanted you to have a girl!"
Well I'm not. I'm having a boy, and I really could give a rats ass what you wanted. Get over it. Go get knocked up and have your own girl. Then I will tell you how much I wanted you to have a boy.

"Your skin is glowing! You have never looked so beautiful."
No, my skin is not glowing, its the ten pounds of bronzer and blush I'm wearing because I haven't seen a tanning bed in nine months. You think I look my BEST now?? Soooo you think I look better fat as fuck, pale, with frizzy hair, wearing over sized clothes and flats? I must be hideous when I am non-pregnant. Gimmie another cookie.

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited to have a little one and I have actually had a pretty smooth pregnancy, but come on! Pregnant women are raging with extra hormones, we feel like fat monsters and nothing you say will make us feel pretty right now. Nothing. Just shove cookies down my throat and Ill be happy. Mint Milanos please.