Things You Should NEVER Say to a Pregnant Woman

THE NEXT PERSON THAT SAYS ANY OF THESE THINGS IS GETTING PUNCHED IN THE THROAT...

"You aren't fat, you're pregnant!"
No asshole, I'm FAT. My sausage arms aren't pregnant. My thighs aren't pregnant. My ass isn't pregnant. My STOMACH is pregnant. Not my entire body. Take away my basketball stomach, and I'm one hefty bitch. My fetus baby doesn't weigh 189 pounds. I do. Gimmie a cookie.

"You will lose the weight soooo fast."
Didn't you just get through telling me I wasn't fat? No all of a sudden you agree that I need to lose weight. And you also think I will lose it sooo fast. If losing weight were so easy and could be done sooo fast, there would be no fat bitches saying "I had 3 kids! It's hard to lose weight now!" You wanna see something fast? Lemmie show you how fast I can devour a whole box of donuts.

"You look so cute pregnant!"
Quit lyin.

"Are you excited to give birth?"
Well duhhhh! I cant wait for my insides to feel like a wet towel being rinsed out and for my pussy hole to be stretched to the max then ripped open by a human skull! I am most looking forward to bleeding like a murder victim and blood clots the size of naval oranges in my underwear. Oh, and how could I forget the BEST part- shitting and farting uncontrollably in front of nurses and doctors and my husband , all while dripping sweat and my legs pulled so far apart it makes my cellulite look smooth! Joy! I can't fucking wait.

"Are you going to breastfeed?"
How come every time someone asks me this, after I answer they take a quick glance at my chest? You want a sip?
If I say "yes," you are going to picture me with my boob out feeding my fetus. If I say "no," you are going to lecture me and interrogate me. Leave me and my tits alone!

"Can you feel him kick?"
I'm 37 weeks pregnant. What the fuck do you think.

"You're having a boy?? Aw, I wanted you to have a girl!"
Well I'm not. I'm having a boy, and I really could give a rats ass what you wanted. Get over it. Go get knocked up and have your own girl. Then I will tell you how much I wanted you to have a boy.

"Your skin is glowing! You have never looked so beautiful."
No, my skin is not glowing, its the ten pounds of bronzer and blush I'm wearing because I haven't seen a tanning bed in nine months. You think I look my BEST now?? Soooo you think I look better fat as fuck, pale, with frizzy hair, wearing over sized clothes and flats? I must be hideous when I am non-pregnant. Gimmie another cookie.

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited to have a little one and I have actually had a pretty smooth pregnancy, but come on! Pregnant women are raging with extra hormones, we feel like fat monsters and nothing you say will make us feel pretty right now. Nothing. Just shove cookies down my throat and Ill be happy. Mint Milanos please.

Ode to Thy Pussy

O' little Kitty cat, come into my world,

O' little Kitty cat, I'm so glad you're not a squirrel.

How bout a kitty treat, or a nice cat nap

 If you play with Kitty nip, I will gladly pet your back.

 

O' little Kitty cat, Go on and chase your tail,

 When you spread your kitty legs, I can see you are a male.

 Chasin mice outside all day, And some birdies too.

 O' little Kitty cat, I wish I gave birth to you

O' little Kitty cat, never go away

O' little Kitty cat, Ill do whatever you say

Message your paws or clean your poo

O' little Kitty cat, forever I love you

                                   Dedicated To Kitty Damien Govia and Simon Sebastian Govia

Written and Produced by Jaymee Govia

Edited by Blair Toi

Stupid Stuff

Shit That Pisses Me Off. And Im Sure Most People Agree

1) People that let their kids walk in the middle of the Target parking lot. Or any parking lot. Its like, really? Let me hit your kid and then blame it on you cause you're the douche bag parent that wasnt paying attention.
2) Facebook abusers. I dont care what youre eating for lunch. I dont give a flying fuck that you just made out with your lame gf/bf. You want a cookie because you closed down the bar? No, I dont wanna play virtual pigeon shooting with you. Thanks for the cyber lasagna but I have a real life oven. Whats next, facebook sex? Oh wait...
3) Cell phone abusers. Im not talking about people like me who always have their phone glued to your hand. :) Im talking about the ones that stand in line behind you on their cell LOUD AS HELL. I wish I had a shirt that said "Shut the fuck up you donkey" on the back .
4) Cookies. They piss me off like no other. I go to the store and they yell at me until I buy them. Then I get them home and they yell at me again until I eat them. Then, if I don't eat all of them they yell at me until I do. Then I have to go back to buy more. Its like a cycle. Fuckin cookies are so dam needy.
To be continued.....

I had a dream last night that Eddie Murphey and I were swimming inside a giant orange.

Acid trip or what?

Reasons you shouldn't eat animals:

A) Would you eat your dog? Cat? Sick
B) would you eat a human? Yum human meat rocks! Sick.
C) the USDA doesn't put those little stickers on the meat you buy at the grocery store that say 'USDA approved.' Farmers do. Do you think they care what you eat? No. They want money. There have been many reports of farmers throwing in other animals that DON'T belong. Dog, anyone?
D) go on youtube and watch how they kill chickens, cows, whatever. Maybe you won't care that they torture the fuck out of them, but you might care that they eat their own shit or are diseased.
E) race horses that are old are slaughtered then packaged with ground beef. Google it.
F) if you can't kill it, skin it and slice it open yourself, you probably shouldn't eat it.

Dear life,

Fuck you.

Love, jam

Dear gut,

I would really appreciate if you would go away as soon as possible. In doing so, please take back fat, arm jiggles, thunder thighs and dimple butt with you.
Love, jam

I Need A Job. Damit.

I could just kick my own ass for not thinking of this first! Some smarty pants got laid off and couldn't find a job (go figure) so he made these wristbands for the rest of the unemployed world to buy and wear. With the sales of the wristbands he can now stay home a kick it! 

In case you want to check it out of buy one, here's the link :

http://www.laidoffneedajob.com/

Happy Tuesday. Life is a bitch, then you die of some stupid shit you had no idea would happen to you. So drink your vodka, smoke that cigg and screw that hooker cause in the end it don't matter. Woooo!

And now a word from Jam....

In case you don't already know, I'm going to teach you how to cook a hot dog, hill billy style. A picture says a thousand words...

Screw a barbecue. F*ck the microwave. Shit on steaming it. I'm talkin' bout good ol' lightin' that weener on fire. Straight from a lighter, ignitor, hell even a match. Put some cheese on that bitch and you got yourself breakfast. Now eat your dog and go find yer tooth.